I get so tired when I – once again – read that it is not possible to create a ‘real’ family out of a fusion family if that’s what you want. Many people claim that you should not aspire to do so, if you do not want yet another defeat.
I could not disagree more and I’d like to challenge the definitions, concepts and emotions we use to describe our family life.
The real emotions do not automatically exist in the ‘nuclear’ family
Being part of the conventional ‘nuclear’ family with mom, dad and two biological children does not automatically include feelings like confidence, compassion, trust and cohesion. These feelings arise in the family through consistently loving, sincere and interested communication, upbringing, care and actions.
I would even say that there are hundreds of thousands of lonely adults and children in ‘nuclear’ families who have a strong feeling that they may have end up in the wrong family. They feel strange and totally different from their family members. They do not feel they belong in the family.
Why is it like that in families, where you are all related? Because the feeling of cohesion is not created from biological contexts, but instead through conscious and loving actions creating a sense of community and a common frame of reference and belonging Fusion Family or not, the need to have a relationship with those you live with applies in all types of families.
One of the basic elements for this to be done is that you’re willing to take full responsibility, including that you sustained creating new traditions and experiences, which have the exact purpose of creating unity in your fusion family.
What you bring to your family life is up to your creativity and your wallet.
Prepare yourself and think positive about your blended life
In addition to working diligently to cultivate the sense of community in the family, there are other things that come into play. As a counterpart to the fusion family life, I will mention the families who choose to adopt.
The adults in this type of family do end up loving their adoptive child as their own, despite the fact that the child often was been chosen for them by others.
In this family, it is not the biological ties that bind them together. What is it then? My guess is that it’s about the adults’ mental preparation, their attitude and mindset about what is happening. They say “yes” to this child with both their heart and soul.
Nor do I believe that parents in an adoptive family have ever thought that if things do not work out with their adopted child, they give up. I do not think that these thoughts are a part of their mindset.
The fusion family’s mindset has to change
“I give up, I do not like my partner’s children” is unfortunately often a part of the thoughts of the adults in the fusion family. I encourage the fusion families to be aware of their thoughts and mental preparation of the blended family life.
Be conscious of how much you focus and spend your energy on things that do not work in your blended family. Maybe you repeat the same situation again and again. Maybe you can discuss what you cannot make sense of with others or meet with others with same problems, reflect on the saying: What you focus on, you get more of.
What if it really is how things work? We have everything to gain by believing in it. It cannot hurt us as families. On the contrary, to become aware of your thoughts you can ask yourself the following questions:
What do I honestly think about my blended family life?
Did I say “YES” with all my heart to my blended life?
What do I say out loud to others about my family?
What do I think about the children?
What do I think about my partner and his/her role?
You can even add more questions, but now you’re might get what I mean. The answers to these questions will give you a good indication of where your focus is. I will now ask you to replace the negative and destructive thoughts, with new and supportive thoughts that can help you as fusion family working toward a common goal.
Create a future you want to be part of
Think about what would happen if you instead deliberately choose to shift your focus to be about solutions, improvement suggestions, positive and supportive thoughts? If you decide to stop yourself every time you get caught in a negative thought loop about everything that is not working.
How would your world look like if you spend your precious energy on finding new angles and approaches to a situation instead?
Cultivate and nurture everything that already works well in your fusion family – is the fusion family coach’s encouragement. Work on it, talk about it, share your success with others and repeat it. Embrace what’s working and let go of what isn’t and there will be more positive and loving experiences in your family.
Allow me to give fusion families a little supportive saying to keep in mind: If you love people, you’ll always have a big family.
I would love to be part of such a family myself.