The other day, I received an email from a wife who wrote in part: “my husband and I are separated. He left. I’m devastated and I want him to come back home and to love me again in the way that he used to. Is this a lost cause? Is it possible to get him to love me again if say or do the right things? Should I pursue him or let him take the lead? I just don’t know what to do at this point.” I’ll tell you how I responded to these questions in the following article.
Can You Make A Husband Love You Again?: First off, I want to say that I’ve seen husbands “fall back in love” time and time again. Nothing is impossible. However, often it helps greatly to work with the tools that have already been successful in the past. It never ceases to amaze me how many people end up playing to the negative of the situation based on fear and pride, even though they know full well at the time that what they are doing is probably only digging a deeper hole. Don’t fall into this trap. If you find yourself in a situation where you are losing control, are appearing unattractive are in a weakened position, or are saying or doing things that you’re later going to regret, then remove yourself from the situation.
Also, it’s vital to understand that you shouldn’t try to “make” someone do something that you, not they, want to do. People will resist being manipulated. Knowing that you aren’t the one calling the shots when it comes to your feelings is not a place where any of us want to be. Respect your husband enough to know that only he is in control of his own feelings. If you love him as much as you say, then this should really be a no brainer. And, luckily, giving him this respect and space is often going to work out better for you in the long run anyway.
With that said, you can absolutely manipulate the situation so that it is one in which loving and positive feelings are more likely to come out of. You always want to focus on creating the most genuinely positive situations and emotions as you can. Sometimes this requires you to back off and sometimes this requires that you come on less strongly than you want to. But, always remember your goal – which should be to make him want to love you because he is experiencing these genuine and spontaneous feelings on his own.
The Actions That Are Going To Contribute To Him Wanting To Love You Again: Always remember that you want him to come back and to want to love you again of his own free will. Otherwise, you really haven’t gained anything because he’s going to resent you and he’s only going to giving it a half hearted try.
Here’s an advantage that you have that you may not be fully tapping into. You know this man, right? You probably know him more intimately and better than anyone else. You and I both know that sometimes you think that you know him better than himself. I know that it’s hard to focus on this knowledge when you are scared to lose him, but step back for a second and be calm and rational.
You have already “made” or contributed to this guy falling in love once. He married you because you have the unique attributes and characteristics that he found so desirable that he wanted to commit to you for the long haul. How many of these characteristics is he seeing today and have you ever taken the time to define them? If not, now is the time. Sit down and ask yourself what your husband loves most about you. Resist the temptation to list only physical attributes. We all know that these things change and it’s so easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking like: “I’m not young and sexy anymore so I must no longer be attractive to him.”
If this is your thinking, you’re selling both yourself (and him) short. Men contact me through my blog all of the time and discuss their marriages with me. I can tell you with complete confidence that they value many things that have nothing to do with your age or your looks. They value someone who wants to understand them. They value someone who takes the time to listen and to notice what is going on with them. They want to feel appreciated and desired in the same way that we do. And it’s your job to show him that you can still do these things.
Should You Pursue Him Or Let Him Come To You?: I hope that I’ve shown you that you have advantages that you might now have realized you have. However, now that you’re starting to change your own perception, how do you make him change his? How do you get him to see that the woman he fell in love with is still here and that it would be worth it to him to give her another chance?
Well, you have to make every encounter count. But, you don’t want to come on too strong. In all likelihood, when your husband left, it was because he felt a break would be more beneficial to him than staying. He may have felt that things were so far gone that they couldn’t be saved and he may have thought the person he fell in love with was long gone. You must over come all of these perceptions and this doesn’t happen over night.
You should try to show him that things really aren’t as difficult or as strained as he thought. So, every time you are with him, you must make the vibe low key, light hearted, as fun as possible, and a low pressure situation. You do not want to appear desperate, needy, clingy or to give off any vibes that are going to make you appear unattractive or high maintenance. You must appear confident, busy, and as happy as you can pull off and still be convincing. He must know that you are capable to be without him and that you respect yourself enough to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
As far as pursuing or letting him come to you, it’s better strategically to let him come to you. But, not everyone has this luxury. Sometimes, you will have to be the one initiating the meetings at first. But make sure that anything you say is believable and doesn’t appear desperate or not genuine. Once you can let him take the lead, then do so. Ultimately, you want for things to be equal again so that you are both equally on board and both equally committed to being a genuinely loving (and completely mutual) relationship.
